The Eve of My ADHD Journey
Writing sometimes feels like homework, but so does every task when I lose interest in it.
To some degree, life has always been both difficult and fascinating living with this brain of mine. Since I was a kid it was always suspected that I had ADHD or some type of 'thing' that made it difficult for me to keep focus on a task, especially if it no longer sustained my interest.
Was it my brain not giving me that sweet drip of stimulating neurochemicals or was it something to do with the wiring up there? To this day I'm still not sure.
I'm 30 now, and I think it's finally time for me to properly acknowledge that it's been hard, like really hard for me to stick to things, to follow things through, to just get things done. Even writing this feels like someone is rubbing sandpaper on a wound but that's just how many tasks feel when it comes to the execution phase. Even if I know it'll be a sure thing, it always takes something extra to push me towards the finish line.
Tonight it's a couple beers before dinner, last blog post it was a strong coffee and the one before that, probably just me being caught up in the 'newness' of having a real blog. I don't always need some type of drug or stimulant to complete something but I always need something extra.
Is this all really sustainable?
I know for sure that novel experiences push me. Sometimes I can trick myself and pickup something I haven't for a while. It will feel new again! On occasion I can smoke a joint, or drink a couple beers, or have some nicotine from my vape - even if the task at hand was something I've done a million times, it will feel different somehow this time around.
As I get older I know these things aren't sustainable anymore, so I don't use them as often as I did in the past and maybe that's why things are also becoming more difficult.
I seem to also 'thrive' under pressure, but do I really thrive? At the end of the day the perfectionist in me will always argue that the end result must be done properly - a term which I entirely define in my own mind, not something ever defined for me. It must be to my own standards, or it's not worth the mental payout.
The final result (if done to my liking) will feel fresh, and for a single moment I will be happy, the world will be at peace, the chirping voices deep inside me will surrender themselves to my great success for a minute or so before the wave of 'other things' in my head can be felt on the horizon again.
The larger the project I complete, the longer I feel at ease - maybe that's normal? It doesn't feel normal, but I do have proof accumulated throughout my life that says what I define to be 'complete' and 'proper' really is. It's the final best version, it's all I can muster, it's everything. Anymore changes or modifications and I will burn out, so take it and fuck off.
When will you wear wigs?
I've come up with a lot of systems to get things done. Some of them I know of because I've consciously constructed them, and others I have painstakingly deconstructed from my subconscious when it's just trying its best. I think some of these unconscious systems were made long ago by my brain when I was just a kid just to keep me alive. They mostly seem to be driven by sadness, social pressures, pain and all the other fun negative emotions that force people to act the way they do.
I never truly feel 'at ease' or safe on a regular basis. I don't feel as though I'm going to be attacked or I'm doing something wrong but it's as though I never let my guard down when I'm awake. Since I was a kid, my sense of fight or flight seems to be in a consistent 'on' state. Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of dopamine, norepinephrine, or serotonin to go around - who knows.
I've had my fair share of therapy appointments with multiple professionals but really it's never dug deep enough to where I have an 'aha!' moment. On the rare occasion when it has hit something deeper I've felt a complete disconnect. To some degree it has helped me think differently about how to treat myself, though. Journaling has helped a lot. I'm going to continue with more self-help until I can sustainably hire someone more equipped than me.
As for the potential ADHD diagnosis though - I have done a lot of work with my medical team to further this goal. I've put it off for a while for a lot of reasons...
- Will I be fed another CBT routine that does nothing?
- Will I just be told that I'm 'just anxious'?
- Will someone try to explain 'MiNDFuLNesS' to me like I'm 12 one more time?
I was once put on Ritalin when I was 13 or 14. It was a very weird and slightly traumatic experience. I lost something like 40lbs, had zero appetite and it felt as if my brain was plucked out of my head through my eye sockets. I was a child still after all though. Giving kids speed sometimes can fix things I guess, otherwise why would they do it? That drug wasn't for me or my still developing brain, I guess, but I'm sure many new medications have hit the market since then.
Really, I'm looking for a tool of some type. At the end of the day, if it's a pill or a practice, if it works and doesn't give me a heart attack, turn me into a zombie or make things worse somehow, I'm ready to give it a try. I know some people that have meditated their ADHD away, and god knows I've tried, but it's hard for me to work that into my routine. Sometimes I can manage a little meditation session. It brings ideas into my peripheral better but it doesn't seem to feed the stimulation I'm lacking.
I have my first appointment tomorrow with a proper ADHD clinic. I'm going to bring all my 'special' report cards from my youth and get a full battery of testing done. It'll be costly, despite most of it being covered by my province's healthcare system.
I just can't keep on running on this hamster wheel any longer. After 30 years, I'm beyond out of breath, I'm basically living on a prayer every day. My consciousness has never been louder. Especially now with the idea of me putting myself back into design re-education camp. I need to be sharper, unburdened, ready to learn and accept new information.
My head is just so loud and persistent though. Long walks, exercise, meditation, music, all the other usual things I do to keep things quiet aren't working as well anymore. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis, call it what you will - something needs to change and I've put this off for far too long. Now is the time to meet the moment.
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